Not in a good place today

I can't think of any area in my life where autism hasn't robbed us of something.

Like to go out and eat? Not if you're on The GFCFSF organic diet. 

Like to delight in and watch your child meet milestones? Ha ha, not with autism. You get to watch everyone else's child meet milestones, while you get to watch your own become more and delayed. More and more behind. And it crushes your soul. 

Vacations? Why the fuck would you subject yourself to something like that? That also includes even day trips. When you have a child that is prone to all out running and doesn't listen to directions and has no sense of danger, even the shortest trip is fraught with misery. Grocery shopping? No.fucking.way. Unless you want to abandon your cart in the middle of the store while you try to hang onto a screaming, thrashing demon-possessed child who has the strength of 10 men, it ain't happening. And at the end of it, you still don't have your groceries. 

You want more kids? If only it were as easy as that. Another child might also have autism. And...no. That's more sadness than most people can bear. I love children. I love babies especially. But, it's a hard decision and a definite risk. And it hurts so fucking much to watch other people easily contemplate having more, while they go on vacations and homeschool and raise "normal" kids. And go out to eat. And grocery shop. Or, you decide to have more. But, you can't get pregnant around December - because you have a doctor's appointment that you been waiting 14 months for. So, you need to put that off some more. And more. You know how they say there is never the perfect time? Yeah, fuck them. 

Take pride in your house? No a chance. Just today a chandelier got ripped out of the ceiling because someone swung from it, after climbing on the dining room table. While I was being irresponsible and eating dinner. I am such an ass - I just wanted one meal today while sitting down. 

Money? Forget that. Supplements, doctor appointments, co-pays, therapies, gas to drive to all these appointments, that takes care of any spare money and guarantees you will be charging your credit cards up as well. Spare money? Fuck NO.

Spare time? There is isn't much of that either. And if you do find some, you feel guilty because you're not researching the latest therapy and dedicating 100% of yourself to it all.