Yesterday was rough. Well, this last week was rough. I have had zero patience, and I don't know why. I am frazzled and not the mom I want to be. Not even close.
I have an appointment with Tami on Monday to try to figure out what is going on.
Our appointment went well a few Mondays ago. We added some more supplements, and upped the dosages of some of the things he's already on. And he's been a handful the last week. His sleep has also been restless, which we get to experience first-hand because he comes in to sleep with us every single night. I don't mind it usually, but when he's restless no one gets to sleep well.
I am pretty much taking today off. Everyone else can handle everything. I am going to go out for a run (which will be slow and I will suck), but at least it's above freezing. Well, not yet, but it should be. I need to clear my head and get some anger out.
I need to fill out all of Preston's paperwork for the MRI and EEG. That's coming up pretty soon, as is starting the Goleic.
We are still doing the clears and all of that. Maybe part of my issue is the clears - both Preston and I are reaching really difficult time periods in our timelines. He is getting close to clearing birth trauma and things during my pregnancy. I am clearing stuff from a while back when I was suicidal. So, it seems plausible.
Well, it's warm (compared to the Arctic) outside, and I gotta run.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Not in a good place today
I can't think of any area in my life where autism hasn't robbed us of something.
Like to go out and eat? Not if you're on The GFCFSF organic diet.
Like to delight in and watch your child meet milestones? Ha ha, not with autism. You get to watch everyone else's child meet milestones, while you get to watch your own become more and delayed. More and more behind. And it crushes your soul.
Vacations? Why the fuck would you subject yourself to something like that? That also includes even day trips. When you have a child that is prone to all out running and doesn't listen to directions and has no sense of danger, even the shortest trip is fraught with misery. Grocery shopping? No.fucking.way. Unless you want to abandon your cart in the middle of the store while you try to hang onto a screaming, thrashing demon-possessed child who has the strength of 10 men, it ain't happening. And at the end of it, you still don't have your groceries.
You want more kids? If only it were as easy as that. Another child might also have autism. And...no. That's more sadness than most people can bear. I love children. I love babies especially. But, it's a hard decision and a definite risk. And it hurts so fucking much to watch other people easily contemplate having more, while they go on vacations and homeschool and raise "normal" kids. And go out to eat. And grocery shop. Or, you decide to have more. But, you can't get pregnant around December - because you have a doctor's appointment that you been waiting 14 months for. So, you need to put that off some more. And more. You know how they say there is never the perfect time? Yeah, fuck them.
Take pride in your house? No a chance. Just today a chandelier got ripped out of the ceiling because someone swung from it, after climbing on the dining room table. While I was being irresponsible and eating dinner. I am such an ass - I just wanted one meal today while sitting down.
Money? Forget that. Supplements, doctor appointments, co-pays, therapies, gas to drive to all these appointments, that takes care of any spare money and guarantees you will be charging your credit cards up as well. Spare money? Fuck NO.
Spare time? There is isn't much of that either. And if you do find some, you feel guilty because you're not researching the latest therapy and dedicating 100% of yourself to it all.
Spare time? There is isn't much of that either. And if you do find some, you feel guilty because you're not researching the latest therapy and dedicating 100% of yourself to it all.
Monday, March 3, 2014
I will never tire
This title means a lot of things to me.
What I had in mind at first, is that I will never tire of hearing my sweet baby, Gabriella talk. Today, as she held out her sippy cup she told me, "I need milk in it."
My heart melts every time she speaks. The adorable way she crinkles her nose and says, "Nooo!" (and the slightly demonic voice that accompanies it). When she says, "Go away, Buzzy". When I try to pick her nose and she tells me, "Those my bogies!". I will never get tired of hearing her speak, watching her develop, and watching her grow - as she should. As all children should.
But some kids don't get that chance. How sweet it feels with Gabriella, it is sometimes equally as bitter to watch Preston struggle.
Our neurologist appointment went well. He *listened* to us. He didn't criticize what we were doing. He told us we were doing a good job (which felt good). There was also a medical student in there as well. It was good for him to see real patients who were trying "alternative" treatments and having success in treating autism. All in all, it was a wonderful appointment. Our plan is in a few weeks we are going to get a sedated MRI done up north, followed by a 23 hour EEG. Which includes sleep. Which this doctor said was VERY IMPORTANT.
Did you hear that Dr. Rothman? And the crappy doctors/nurses at OSF Peoria? Autism IS reason enough to warrant this. And, puberty is another time we have to watch out for, because kids that weren't having seizures before, might start getting them at that point. Thank God for GOOD doctors. And Dr. Michael Smith at Rush in Chicago is one of them.
Which brings me to the other meaning of this post's title.
I will never tire of trying to find ways to improve Preston's life. To help him be the best he can be. To help his with his medical issues. Not to "change" him. Not to "fix" him, but to help him be happy and healthy. And there are some days when I am tired and I need a mental break. And I do that. And then when I am ready, I jump right back in the ring and start swinging. For all of the hard work Preston does every day at school and his therapies, I owe him that much.
What I had in mind at first, is that I will never tire of hearing my sweet baby, Gabriella talk. Today, as she held out her sippy cup she told me, "I need milk in it."
My heart melts every time she speaks. The adorable way she crinkles her nose and says, "Nooo!" (and the slightly demonic voice that accompanies it). When she says, "Go away, Buzzy". When I try to pick her nose and she tells me, "Those my bogies!". I will never get tired of hearing her speak, watching her develop, and watching her grow - as she should. As all children should.
But some kids don't get that chance. How sweet it feels with Gabriella, it is sometimes equally as bitter to watch Preston struggle.
Our neurologist appointment went well. He *listened* to us. He didn't criticize what we were doing. He told us we were doing a good job (which felt good). There was also a medical student in there as well. It was good for him to see real patients who were trying "alternative" treatments and having success in treating autism. All in all, it was a wonderful appointment. Our plan is in a few weeks we are going to get a sedated MRI done up north, followed by a 23 hour EEG. Which includes sleep. Which this doctor said was VERY IMPORTANT.
Did you hear that Dr. Rothman? And the crappy doctors/nurses at OSF Peoria? Autism IS reason enough to warrant this. And, puberty is another time we have to watch out for, because kids that weren't having seizures before, might start getting them at that point. Thank God for GOOD doctors. And Dr. Michael Smith at Rush in Chicago is one of them.
Which brings me to the other meaning of this post's title.
I will never tire of trying to find ways to improve Preston's life. To help him be the best he can be. To help his with his medical issues. Not to "change" him. Not to "fix" him, but to help him be happy and healthy. And there are some days when I am tired and I need a mental break. And I do that. And then when I am ready, I jump right back in the ring and start swinging. For all of the hard work Preston does every day at school and his therapies, I owe him that much.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Reaching Out
Just a quick Wednesday update on what we are up to...
Buzzy still has this rash that seems to be yeasty in appearance. We are treating it with oral thyme drops. He is still on Lauricidin, GABA, l-methylfolate, folinic acid, l-carnitine, his probiotics, fish oil, methyl B-12 shots, and homeopathy remedies. (Candida remedy is a huge one for him - without it he gets the red ring of fun around his anus. Good times.) I also added the kids NDF Focus, because it something he tested well for. We are going to be adding NAC (n-acetyl-carnitine), but I need to test to see how it does with his other supplements. I think I am going to have to cut out some of the other things to add that one in.
When I look at all of those typed up, it seems like a lot of supplements. But, for kids with autism doing biomed, it's actually pretty manageable. And he's been doing great on them.
We are looking at an April start date for the Goleic. I am excited.
No word on the service dog. Keep thinking positive thoughts. I went and looked at the current ones training, and there was one that just caught my attention. I think he is meant to be Buzzy's dog. I will keep being positive and patient.
On Monday we have our appointment with the neurologist. Positive thoughts, intentions, and prayers for that one as well!
Early March we have an appointment with his MAPS doctor. I am looking forward to seeing where we go from here. Because there is always somewhere to go!
And - irony - after years of dealing with horrible poop from Buzzy - I think he's moved to the other end of the spectrum - he seems to be a little constipated. Yes, irony.
I also applied to be a TACA mentor. I am very excited for this step. I feel I can really help people and look forward to working with families around here. I am planning for the future to start a TACA chapter around here - because one is sorely needed.
I will try to update after the neurologist. All I know is that we will keep doing what we are doing.
Buzzy still has this rash that seems to be yeasty in appearance. We are treating it with oral thyme drops. He is still on Lauricidin, GABA, l-methylfolate, folinic acid, l-carnitine, his probiotics, fish oil, methyl B-12 shots, and homeopathy remedies. (Candida remedy is a huge one for him - without it he gets the red ring of fun around his anus. Good times.) I also added the kids NDF Focus, because it something he tested well for. We are going to be adding NAC (n-acetyl-carnitine), but I need to test to see how it does with his other supplements. I think I am going to have to cut out some of the other things to add that one in.
When I look at all of those typed up, it seems like a lot of supplements. But, for kids with autism doing biomed, it's actually pretty manageable. And he's been doing great on them.
We are looking at an April start date for the Goleic. I am excited.
No word on the service dog. Keep thinking positive thoughts. I went and looked at the current ones training, and there was one that just caught my attention. I think he is meant to be Buzzy's dog. I will keep being positive and patient.
On Monday we have our appointment with the neurologist. Positive thoughts, intentions, and prayers for that one as well!
Early March we have an appointment with his MAPS doctor. I am looking forward to seeing where we go from here. Because there is always somewhere to go!
And - irony - after years of dealing with horrible poop from Buzzy - I think he's moved to the other end of the spectrum - he seems to be a little constipated. Yes, irony.
I also applied to be a TACA mentor. I am very excited for this step. I feel I can really help people and look forward to working with families around here. I am planning for the future to start a TACA chapter around here - because one is sorely needed.
I will try to update after the neurologist. All I know is that we will keep doing what we are doing.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Ants in the pants
So, Buzzy has been on a tear lately. It completely reminds me of life a year ago. He is back to pushing chairs up the table and getting on the table and standing on it. He's getting into cabinets. He's opening the fridge. He's getting the baby to do all of the same things, and it's starting to drive me nuts. I am getting very frustrated. It feels like "the bad old days". The constant motion and getting into everything is wearing on my patience, and I have been doing more yelling and swearing lately than I'd like.
I am still working on my class with Tami. In fact, I am apparently supposed to work on Preston to clear this frenzied energy from him.
We ordered the Goleic. It should be here next week. I am expecting really wonderful things from it. I am also nervous as hell about it. Something as expensive as it is tends to do that. So, I am only going to think positive things about it, and everything will go well. And we will see great gains. There. The end. LOL
The baby continues to do well. I am going to be calling and scheduling her 2 year appointment with EI. The difference between how she is doing now and how she was doing just a few months ago is amazing.
Now all I need is for the weather to warm up so I can take kids outside to enjoy themselves. I am so done with winter, snow, and COLD.
I am still working on my class with Tami. In fact, I am apparently supposed to work on Preston to clear this frenzied energy from him.
We ordered the Goleic. It should be here next week. I am expecting really wonderful things from it. I am also nervous as hell about it. Something as expensive as it is tends to do that. So, I am only going to think positive things about it, and everything will go well. And we will see great gains. There. The end. LOL
The baby continues to do well. I am going to be calling and scheduling her 2 year appointment with EI. The difference between how she is doing now and how she was doing just a few months ago is amazing.
Now all I need is for the weather to warm up so I can take kids outside to enjoy themselves. I am so done with winter, snow, and COLD.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Finding Gratitude in Bad Days
Well, not overall bad. Just bad news. Not the end of the world, but it's tough to swallow.
We have paid a lot of money out of pocket for Buzzy's therapies. Over $2000 in the last 9 months. So, to find out today we owe at least $930 more is a very tough pill to swallow. And then there is still the weekly bills from preschool we will be paying as well (add another $350 on top of that). Plus the co-pays for his therapies - $90 weekly for social skills, speech, and OT. If ABA has a co-pay as well (which I suspect it might) that's now another $150. A week.
Typing it out is making it worse.
However, it is only money. My son is here with us and healthy (and getting healthier every day) and happy. Avonte Oquendo's family can't say the same. Avonte is a 14 year old boy with autism that disappeared from his school in October, and it looks as his body has been found based on the clothing on it. His picture has been on Facebook and I have followed his story, praying for a positive resolution. Such a sad, sad case.
So, it really is only money.
We have paid a lot of money out of pocket for Buzzy's therapies. Over $2000 in the last 9 months. So, to find out today we owe at least $930 more is a very tough pill to swallow. And then there is still the weekly bills from preschool we will be paying as well (add another $350 on top of that). Plus the co-pays for his therapies - $90 weekly for social skills, speech, and OT. If ABA has a co-pay as well (which I suspect it might) that's now another $150. A week.
Typing it out is making it worse.
However, it is only money. My son is here with us and healthy (and getting healthier every day) and happy. Avonte Oquendo's family can't say the same. Avonte is a 14 year old boy with autism that disappeared from his school in October, and it looks as his body has been found based on the clothing on it. His picture has been on Facebook and I have followed his story, praying for a positive resolution. Such a sad, sad case.
So, it really is only money.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
The Spiritual Side
I am really excited about a few things today. Well, one of them is on-going, but whatever. It's all exciting.
First off, it's my birthday. And the baby was singing happy birthday to me! She said "happy birthday to mom happy birthday to mom". It was the cutest thing ever and just about made me melt. This is the same baby who didn't have even one word not that long ago. I am just so excited for all of the progress she's been making.
I also started taking a class from Tami. It's about energy healing and working with "awesome kids" which is what she calls kids with autism. It's about a month long, and I have to say even after only 3 days, it's been so helpful and wonderful. I also have an appointment with her tonight, and I am excited to talk about the muscle testing I have been doing and seeing if I am doing okay with it.
I have started meditation as well, and I think that is helping, too. I also am going to be taking a Reiki I class in February. I have so many plans for improving myself and helping my family heal. I am glad to have found this new path and new direction to take with my family.
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Well, it's now Saturday, and I started this post on Wednesday. Oops! Anyway...
I have noticed so many positive changes in myself since I have started all of this. I used to yell. A lot. And swear. A lot. I had a short fuse. And was short on patience. I am working on all of those aspects with the help of some intentions I set during this course and with the meditation. I firmly believe now that further healing for everyone has to start with me. I was so hyper-focused on Buzzy, that the baby and everyone else sort of fell to the wayside. I am now trying to make sure everyone is being cared for.
Obviously, I am (as we all are) a work in progress. I am not perfect. I will never be, but I am happier with who I am as a person now. And as we are going through this journey, I have noticed more energy and I even have started to sing along again to the radio, which is something I used to love to do, but hadn't felt like it in a long time.
I can't wait to see what the next week brings to us!
First off, it's my birthday. And the baby was singing happy birthday to me! She said "happy birthday to mom happy birthday to mom". It was the cutest thing ever and just about made me melt. This is the same baby who didn't have even one word not that long ago. I am just so excited for all of the progress she's been making.
I also started taking a class from Tami. It's about energy healing and working with "awesome kids" which is what she calls kids with autism. It's about a month long, and I have to say even after only 3 days, it's been so helpful and wonderful. I also have an appointment with her tonight, and I am excited to talk about the muscle testing I have been doing and seeing if I am doing okay with it.
I have started meditation as well, and I think that is helping, too. I also am going to be taking a Reiki I class in February. I have so many plans for improving myself and helping my family heal. I am glad to have found this new path and new direction to take with my family.
------------------
Well, it's now Saturday, and I started this post on Wednesday. Oops! Anyway...
I have noticed so many positive changes in myself since I have started all of this. I used to yell. A lot. And swear. A lot. I had a short fuse. And was short on patience. I am working on all of those aspects with the help of some intentions I set during this course and with the meditation. I firmly believe now that further healing for everyone has to start with me. I was so hyper-focused on Buzzy, that the baby and everyone else sort of fell to the wayside. I am now trying to make sure everyone is being cared for.
Obviously, I am (as we all are) a work in progress. I am not perfect. I will never be, but I am happier with who I am as a person now. And as we are going through this journey, I have noticed more energy and I even have started to sing along again to the radio, which is something I used to love to do, but hadn't felt like it in a long time.
I can't wait to see what the next week brings to us!
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